Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
