Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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