Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
