ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
