I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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