True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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