a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
