just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
