We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Holy shit dude........stairs
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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