Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
