So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
