This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
