Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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