I can text with my tongue
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
