So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
