i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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