Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
