my sisters under your porch take her home
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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