yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
