First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
