i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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