I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
