Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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