My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
