don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
