No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Holy sore nipples Batman
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
