I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize