foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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