I got chris browned last night
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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