How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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