I showed him my bush... on skype.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
