Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
