Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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