her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
