saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
