so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
