before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
