I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
