I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
