The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
