I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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