You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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