Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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