The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
