Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
