I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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