I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
