I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
