I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize