She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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