Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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