I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
