The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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