It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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