Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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