apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
