I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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