I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
