nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my being single is dangerous.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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