I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
