her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
