Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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