I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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